Breaking: Bashad al-Assad claims to have had Drunken Blackout with Justice Kavanaugh

Despite attempts to contact the FBI prior to the confirmation of now, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh; Syrian President Bashar al-Assad claims he was rebuffed.  Apparently Bashar was a longtime drinking buddy of Brett.  The Syrian president admits he has a lengthy list of hilarious stories from the time he and the judge tipped back a few and blacked out together.  In an attempt to explain his love of 'beer' and the 'hard stuff' that often follows, Bashar (a life-long Muslim) blames not only the party-going Brett, but his English-born infidel wife Asma al-Assad.  Claiming it was these two, who were nothing more than tools of the devil, that lead him astray from the religion of peace---Islam!  In all fairness, it should be noted the Justice Kavanaugh denies these charges by the Syrian leader.  And in a strange twist, Dianne Feinstein has confirmed that Brett turned in his Syrian Visa prior to being nominated to the Supreme Court.

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Mideast Beast Writers Quit Over Lack of Death Threats

One writer, William Balzac explains, “I didn’t graduate with a Masters in Fine Arts from Yale to write scathing satire of corrupt Middle Eastern dictators, crazy Zionist settlers, and camel related sexual escapades and NOT receive death threats. I expected to receive at least a couple of death-threats a week from the jihad crowd, but I guess they’re too busy being pussies.

Another writer, Sarah Balgargle, angrily announced her departure, writing “In this field, death threats are the only true mark of success. The hard-working writers here at TMB have been sorely disappointed.  I mean, obviously, the Charlie Hebdo guys really set the bar by actually getting murdered, which is basically the Pulitzer Prize for satire. And we’re all going to die eventually, so let’s at least go out with a bang.

A senior editor at TMB declared a new initiative to retain its writers, which includes: offering free “Blows for U.S. Aid” t-shirts to Syrian Jihadists, founding the “Gay Hitler” youth de-radicalization foundation, and the post-mortem conversion of Osama bin Laden to Judaism.  More great satire at The Mideast Beast

Palestinian Authority Launches GoFundMe after US Aid Cuts

The Palestinian Authority has announced it will launch a GoFundMe page, after the U.S. State Department’s $80 million aid reduction and further threats from Donald Trump to cut all aid.

PA President Mahmoud Abbas decried the cuts. “After decades of brutal and humiliating occupation, this is a slap in the face of the Palestinian nation and will be devastating to its people. Our reduced circumstances will mean my new $13 million-dollar Presidential Palace will only have only one helicopter pad and no runway for my new $50 million private jet. Unacceptable!”

“Therefore, I have announced we will crowd-fund the remainder through our new GoFundMe page: This Land is Not Your Land, This Land is Our Land fundraising campaign. The money will be used to finance the second helicopter pad and a chocolate fountain that will represent the glory of the Palestinian people.”

“I mean how else am I supposed to fight for Palestinian independence without looking like an absolute baller? It’s not like I could pay for any of it myself.”
Thanks to The Mideast Beast

Abbas Honors the DOZENS of Jews Killed During Holocaust

In a move aimed at building trust with world Jewry, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas marked International Holocaust Remembrance Day with a statement honoring the “dozens of Jews who tragically lost their lives.” 

“We must never forget that the horrors of Nazi rule robbed nearly 100 Jewish individuals of their lives,” the statement read. “While this tragedy does not reach the level of the Rwandan genocide or Clay Aiken’s loss in the 2003 American Idol series, it is a tragedy nonetheless.” 

The touching statement marked a departure for Abbas, whose PhD thesis argued that Jews collaborated with the Nazis during the Holocaust and that the number of Jewish deaths has been inflated. 

“Though many of the Jews killed were Nazi collaborators intent on colonizing Palestinians lands and drinking the blood of children, this does not change the fact that they died and that this is bad,” Abbas’s statement continued. The president’s statement won accolades from across media and diplomatic circles.   Read more.....

Former Secretary of State, John Kerry jumps in bed with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas

According to Fox News: Former Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly tried to meddle in Middle East peace talks, allegedly telling a close associate of Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas not to “yield to President Trump’s demands.” Israeli news outlet Maariv reported on the apparent meeting between Kerry and Hussein Agha in London, where the 2004 Democratic presidential nominee also reportedly floated a possible encore bid in 2020. But in the conversation, Kerry reportedly told Agha to share a message with Abbas – urging him to “hold on and be strong” during talks with the Trump administration and “play for time ... [and] not yield to President Trump’s demands.”Kerry, who served as former President Barack Obama’s secretary of state during his second term, also reportedly told Agha that Trump would not be in office for long, suggesting he could be out in a year.  Thanks to The Dry Bones Blog

Puerto Rican Antisemitism

A column published by Puerto Rico's most circulated newspaper said disaster relief decisions on the island are controlled "behind closed doors" by "the Jews." Wilda Rodriguez, a columnist for San Juan's El Nuevo Dia, writes in the piece "What does ‘the Jew' want with the colony?" that "the Jews" are the "secret structure that rules the United States … behind closed doors."  Read more.....