adhitz

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Mideast Beast Writers Quit Over Lack of Death Threats

One writer, William Balzac explains, “I didn’t graduate with a Masters in Fine Arts from Yale to write scathing satire of corrupt Middle Eastern dictators, crazy Zionist settlers, and camel related sexual escapades and NOT receive death threats. I expected to receive at least a couple of death-threats a week from the jihad crowd, but I guess they’re too busy being pussies.

Another writer, Sarah Balgargle, angrily announced her departure, writing “In this field, death threats are the only true mark of success. The hard-working writers here at TMB have been sorely disappointed.  I mean, obviously, the Charlie Hebdo guys really set the bar by actually getting murdered, which is basically the Pulitzer Prize for satire. And we’re all going to die eventually, so let’s at least go out with a bang.

A senior editor at TMB declared a new initiative to retain its writers, which includes: offering free “Blows for U.S. Aid” t-shirts to Syrian Jihadists, founding the “Gay Hitler” youth de-radicalization foundation, and the post-mortem conversion of Osama bin Laden to Judaism.  More great satire at The Mideast Beast

Monday, January 29, 2018

Palestinian Authority Launches GoFundMe after US Aid Cuts


The Palestinian Authority has announced it will launch a GoFundMe page, after the U.S. State Department’s $80 million aid reduction and further threats from Donald Trump to cut all aid.

PA President Mahmoud Abbas decried the cuts. “After decades of brutal and humiliating occupation, this is a slap in the face of the Palestinian nation and will be devastating to its people. Our reduced circumstances will mean my new $13 million-dollar Presidential Palace will only have only one helicopter pad and no runway for my new $50 million private jet. Unacceptable!”

“Therefore, I have announced we will crowd-fund the remainder through our new GoFundMe page: This Land is Not Your Land, This Land is Our Land fundraising campaign. The money will be used to finance the second helicopter pad and a chocolate fountain that will represent the glory of the Palestinian people.”
“I mean how else am I supposed to fight for Palestinian independence without looking like an absolute baller? It’s not like I could pay for any of it myself.”
Thanks to The Mideast Beast

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Abbas Honors the DOZENS of Jews Killed During Holocaust

In a move aimed at building trust with world Jewry, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas marked International Holocaust Remembrance Day with a statement honoring the “dozens of Jews who tragically lost their lives.” 

“We must never forget that the horrors of Nazi rule robbed nearly 100 Jewish individuals of their lives,” the statement read. “While this tragedy does not reach the level of the Rwandan genocide or Clay Aiken’s loss in the 2003 American Idol series, it is a tragedy nonetheless.” 

The touching statement marked a departure for Abbas, whose PhD thesis argued that Jews collaborated with the Nazis during the Holocaust and that the number of Jewish deaths has been inflated. 

“Though many of the Jews killed were Nazi collaborators intent on colonizing Palestinians lands and drinking the blood of children, this does not change the fact that they died and that this is bad,” Abbas’s statement continued. The president’s statement won accolades from across media and diplomatic circles.   Read more.....

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Former Secretary of State, John Kerry jumps in bed with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas

According to Fox News: Former Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly tried to meddle in Middle East peace talks, allegedly telling a close associate of Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas not to “yield to President Trump’s demands.” Israeli news outlet Maariv reported on the apparent meeting between Kerry and Hussein Agha in London, where the 2004 Democratic presidential nominee also reportedly floated a possible encore bid in 2020. But in the conversation, Kerry reportedly told Agha to share a message with Abbas – urging him to “hold on and be strong” during talks with the Trump administration and “play for time ... [and] not yield to President Trump’s demands.”Kerry, who served as former President Barack Obama’s secretary of state during his second term, also reportedly told Agha that Trump would not be in office for long, suggesting he could be out in a year.  Thanks to The Dry Bones Blog

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Puerto Rican Antisemitism

A column published by Puerto Rico's most circulated newspaper said disaster relief decisions on the island are controlled "behind closed doors" by "the Jews." Wilda Rodriguez, a columnist for San Juan's El Nuevo Dia, writes in the piece "What does ‘the Jew' want with the colony?" that "the Jews" are the "secret structure that rules the United States … behind closed doors."  Read more.....

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

ISIS declares War on Hamas

According to the Washington Post: The extremist Islamic State group’s branch in Egypt’s Sinai Peninsula has taken a simmering dispute with the Palestinian Hamas group based in nearby Gaza to new levels, releasing a 22-minute video in which it calls on its followers to attack the group and shows the execution of a man it said was a collaborator. 

Analysts say the escalation has the potential to destabilize an already fragile security situation in Gaza, the Palestinian enclave that Hamas has controlled for the past decade. 

“Never surrender to them. Use explosives, silenced pistols, and sticky bombs. Bomb their courts and their security locations, for these are the pillars of tyranny that prop up its throne,” says the knife-wielding narrator of the video, according to a translation distributed by the SITE Intelligence Group, which monitors extremist websites.  Read more.....

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

IDF Mistakenly Invades Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning. Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, being too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to. When The Mideast Beast asked how such a situation could possibly occur, the IDF Chief of Staff just shrugged his shoulders and said, “F**king Apple Maps!” 

“Well, we’re in Beirut and no one seems to be complaining about it. Might as well lounge it out,” said one colonel. “Truth be told, Beirut reminds me a lot of Tel Aviv; vibrant city right on the Mediterranean, hoppin’ nightlife, smokin’ hot chicks, cool architecture, and 27 caf├ęs on every friggin street. The only real difference seems to be all of the bullet holes and rocket-craters. What? We didn’t do it!” 

World leaders who were already gathered at the UN’s annual State the F**king Obvious Summit, relayed that the IDF must evacuate Lebanon at once. When asked if he plans on demanding IDF troops leave Beirut immediately, the Lebanese Prime Minister told The Mideast Beast, “To be honest, things have never been more peaceful, and Netanyahu just rang me to see if I wanted to go forward with twinning this place with Tel Aviv. Sure, religious tension and historical animosity has its place, but have you seen Tel Aviv’s beach on a Friday afternoon? Endless supply of ass and a sh*t load of conservative Jews!”  Thanks to MIDEAST BEAST